The-4Ls-Experience

I've been out of commission for most of the fall, and probably should explain myself..mostly to myself, as I'm sure that there aren't too many readers anymore, at least not at this stage.

The Life portion of 4Ls has taken over for some time now. I remember turning in my last final after graduate school and thinking that things could only get easier from there. lol. Uhm. NO.

Things have gotten a little more challenging, and studying just no longer became the priority in my life. Nor law school. I'm very much still into a law school future, but not next fall. And I intend to be done with the LSAT Saga by next summer. I'm taking the next few months to get LIFE in order before moving forward with the big dream.

I'm on the upslope of major change, so that is often met (by me) w/ grief and resistence. I've been focusing on "letting it rain," so to speak, and it has a very different (and tense) feel to it. I wish I could describe it, but I don't think I would want anyone to empathize, mostly because I am a fan of calm, order, and constancy. The abrupt nature of life is incongruent with my nature, it seems. So I'm in the process of a transformation, since life won't. lol.

What's all this change I speak of? Sure it started with grad school ending and the application cycle ending, but all this came at the heels of something much more pressing, a change in priorities.

When I got sick this summer, that became my priority because it was a reflection that things were spiraling out of control, with no clear cause but plenty of negative effects. I was forced to start looking at things differently. And I had to be in the hospital in order to change. I was literally going to die if I didn't embrace change. When I opened my eyes, I starting seeing the world in a totally different light. The light wasnt too bright. Suddenly, my friend cupboard was feeling bare, my LSAT motivation was non-existent, my family was suddenly (and figuratively) very far away, my 2.5 year relationship was nearing its end, and I just wasn't enough. I wanted to change EVERYTHING about myself. Most of my life, I've wanted to change a few things about myself, but by the time September rolled around, I wanted complete overhaul...to save myself...to save my relationships with people...to make a new start with Her. Well, I didn't move fast enough, so decisions were made for me. I couldn't then and can't now make any arguments with the turn of events. I was left with the opportunity to do one thing: to come to peace with myself, with who I am because it is the stepping stone for the person I am to be, ultimately.

I have nothing to hold onto but my good nature and all that it attracts, because the bad parts of myself have driven a lot of people away and if not completely away, they are now only comfortable at arm's distance. One person in particular. I can't quite wrap my head around a future without her very much in it, but this is what I am faced with now. She has shut me down and out, so it is my responsibility to respect her path and her choices. A friend of mine thought it all ridiculous, and I've even had a few folks tell me that she and I will make it in a matter of time, but the fact of the matter is I am now one day beyond our 3 year anniversary, so a new cycle has officially begun and we couldn't be further apart. It's not my choice, but it is a partial result of a series of choices I've made, and now this---this is reality. That is a fact. Every waking moment (and lots of unconscious moments--as evidenced in my dreams) is about her even in her absence...it's almost like she's still around. Almost. I'd like to believe none of this happened, more than ANYTHING, but that's not my call. It probably shouldnt be my call, either.

Somehow I've got to learn to live my life appreciating it for what it is and not focusing narrowly on what I expect or hope it to be. Not doing this has inevitably led me back to this very familiar square. And something tells me that nothing and no one will be in my life unless I make a profound effort to construct it well. I've got to show respect for myself and the only way to do that is to stay near and dear to my roots. The one thing that grounds me is the concept of love: it is unconditional, it is unwavering, it is the strongest of the strong...it is freedom. It is something to be preserved. It is everything that is anything to me. It is all that I want to be and to represent. It moves me. It is behind every correct move I've ever made. It motivates me. It IS me. The irony is that I haven't shown it to anyone fully because I have been afraid that it would be used against me. That's probably the most illogical fear ever, since something so genuine could never be used in an opposite fashion. I pride myself on making sense, but have been living a lie believing in that fear.

I just CANNOT do it anymore. I have got to move forward in this life, and I've got to make sense doing it. I've got to live...so I've got to love.

Usually I like to wait to set goals until the end of something or the beginning of something. Well, I'm in the middle of this transformation, and I'm going to set one anyway:

To Live Fully and to Love Fully. Unconditionally.

What does this mean?

I'm moving back to NYC any day now. Just a matter of tieing up some loose ends in the coming weeks. It's more a matter of priority than a matter of settling down for the long haul, which is not what I had hoped. But it could just as easily turn out that way. I need to be there for work and for my peace of mind. It's cheaper to live in DC. I could save A LOT of dough, but I need to be around people more regularly. I think it's just meant to be that way. That's living. Wish I could provide better reasoning for spending more money, but sometimes, you just know when you've gotta do something. This is one of those times.

I've been away from my "home" for about a month now to spend time with family (it's that time of the season), I don't remember the last time I spent this much time with my loved ones. That's loving. And meanwhile all kinds of people are kind of popping back up into my circle. I don't know why or how long they'll be around, but for the first time EVER, I'm not concerned. I'm a thinker... an overthinker most of the time, so figuring it out would be GLORIOUS, but my instincts tell me that it doesn't matter. That's living.

I am going to adopt an animal to live with me in my new apartment in NYC. They need a home. I have a brand new one to share. That's loving.

I am going to get a new 'do in December. That's living...with change. And I'm going to love it.

I am going to continue to respect her time and space away from me while still lifting her up in my prayers with optimism that she finds herself, her happiness, abundance, and more love than she has room to receive. And I'm going to do this without expectation. This is freedom. That's being in love. That's loving...unconditionally.

I am going to take a little time away from LSAT preparation to breathe. And I will return to it. That's living....w/ persistence.

I am. <=====(Yahweh) ======> That's Life. That's Love.