The-4Ls-Experience

...I would throw myself at Shirley Sherrod's feet.

I want to work for you, Shirley. I think you've got a case ;-)

Here's my beef (read: rant):

• How can you call yourself a leader and make such a hasty decision, Mr. Vilsack? How can you NOT search vigorously for the full facts of the case when RACE (of all possible issues for goodness sake) is at the heart of this debacle?
• NAACP, it is your job to sniff out this stuff. Where the hell were you? That's right, you were instigating mess. And your apology consists of a personal phone call and an offer to visit whenever you're in town, Mr. Jealous? No, thanks.
  

No, I do not condone people making professional choices that are motivated about personal conflicts of interest. I think it's true that Sherrod could have given more effort to do her job to the best of her abilities, not just because she was "capable of more" but because it is the right thing to do. But from what I understand, she did her job sufficiently enough to set the ground work that ultimately saved the farm in question. Her attitude wasn't so piss poor that the job didn't get done. This doesn't discount that she needed a stronger sense of character at the time, but then again, the fact that she spoke of her shortcoming speaks volumes. I admire her for telling the truth about her feelings, not because they were discriminatory, but because we all have personal feelings, and not many of us are willing to share our lowest points with a broader audience. Many of us just fester in hatred and disgust (for whatever reason), and don't even notice that many of our life choices (professional and personal alike) are largely determined by those negative feelings. At the very least, hers didn't accomplish that. And moreover, she overcame those feelings. For some reason, I have the distinct feeling that many who are in the racial rut never leave it.

I read the comments on media sites like CNN and local news stations, and it seems to me that people love these outlets so much because they love to anonymously spew racism. The most recent one I read said something along the lines that if a white man had made these statements, no one would be calling for an apology to him. In other words, why are we constantly apologizing to black people every time the race card is pulled?

I'm probably a bit biased, but I don't know how to be anything but honest here.

Discrimination and oppression, of the kind that blacks in America have experienced, cannot be dismissed by mere apology, so even numerous apologies over decades are inadequate, so I think a better question is, why haven't we, as a nation, gotten beyond the point where we need to question why it is necessary to have sensitivity toward the black citizen?

As a professional researcher, I am trained to avoid making causal links, but the fact that many of the social problems we face are concentrated within the black community: HIV, crime, inadequate education, poverty, homelessness....etc., is a bit more than a coincidence, in my opinion. At the very least, it is the strong evidence of what happens when a whole people seek relief from a social construct that was never established to support them. As many strides that have been made to try to correct for this, its damn near impossible to change the psyche of a person...a people who have come to terms with that truth. And it is absolutely impossible when evidence of racism resurfaces. They call us beggars, users, uncivilized, and losers because many of our people have not risen above the constraints that were once a lot more imposing, but there is a lot to be undone that has little to do with finances, in the grand scheme of things. It's really about knowing you've got a fair shot at leading a respectable life.

I'm blessed because despite my people's history, I grew up in a time where my parents had the strength to encourage me to rise above it all: to be fair and to seek fairness at every turn. This is a much easier task than it was for them...or their parents. Still, it's a larger task than meets the eye. I have to respect where I came from; I have to understand those roots to resolve them. To dig deeper for long-term solutions...to do my part.

I think this is why Sherrod has a large task in front of her to see this through to the end. Because she has been thrown into the limelight, she does not have the luxury of walking away quietly because we need strong people like her to defend principles. It's one thing to accept an apology, which I'm sure she's already done. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing (trust me, I know). And it's another to send a message... to set a standard. We cannot allow people to forget how to do their jobs: to uphold fairness (which they seemed to have been trying to do) and to seek truth (which they COMPLETELY missed), especially in cases where the cost of not doing so is far too high, with far too many implications. You cannot compromise someone's story, her job, and her character, and get away with it. But you know, that's what the media is accustomed to doing because they deal with what they've got. For leaders, people who are supposed to have good sense, to fall victim to that is negligent. Collect damages.

So, YES, if I had a JD, I would gladly represent Mrs. Sherrod. I'm sure we would be more than happy to take your shirts off your backs, Mr. Vilsack and Mr. Jealous. Please, and thank you.

I'll make this brief. A lot going on in my head today. Thinking a lot, discussing a lot, and reading a lot...which brings me to my current question, just to throw it out there to remind me, and perhaps others, what building character is really all about.

At what point do you say to yourself, when you're between a rock and a hard place: this (whatever "this" is) didn't just happen to me. I played a significant part in it. This is my life, and whatever I allow to get me down is my bad. When do you admit this? Is it when there's nothing/no one else to point the finger to? Or is it just before you realize that you are capable of anything: at failing miserably, at succeeding beyond measure, and at everything in between?

Just a thought.

"You can't change the world all at once....you got to change it one life at a time" ~words from a Touched by an Angel episode

I want to go to law school because I want to help bring justice to the underprivileged, whose lives are determined in large part by a series of injustices. I've felt like the best I could do is to use my good reasoning to work the system in their favor. And this is why I want to "argue" in some capacity for a living. While I don't really see myself ever sitting in a courtroom, I haven't ruled out the possibility that some day it may come to that. As I've mentioned many times before, there are so many ways I can go about doing this, and I haven't really ruled out any of them.

I've been so intent on getting into law school for years now, that I've got to be honest, I have never felt so far away from it. I'm not anywhere close to where I need to be to help people. Why? Because I am isolating myself from the free world. I don't mean to...but damn. I feel like everything is falling apart. This is not fair to the people who I think matter most. Obviously, I don't think that's me, but because I feel like I want to be an integral part of progress, I have to have myself together. Well, I'm not coming together. Something is terribly wrong with the way I reason.

It does not lead to achievement, in the ultimate sense: happiness. And because I believe inherent in happiness is justice, then why isn't my reasoning process working for my life? And if it doesn't work for me, how can it work for anyone else? Where is the justice? What is justice?

Right before I had my last explosive conversation this week, I had a very heartfelt discussion with my sister and my mother. Gosh, things felt so clear. I was giving them advice, and as it turns out, I may need it more than them. We are SOOOO much alike, it hurts almost too much to not be able to interact with them on the regular. I literally want to share my life with the people that I love, but it just isn't panning out that way. And the one person who I have been sharing my life with, is thinking it over. I've done a lot of damage to what we have, but it is NOT for lack of love for her. She is IT, And literally everything I do is an attempt to do what I think will make her happy, but somehow what I feel in my heart and what translates through my head, and ultimately my mouth have caused nothing but pure destruction. I don't even know how. So much for the reasoning process. There is something so incredibly flawed about this. I keep telling myself I don't know how to fix it, but I do. I need to love and love HARD. I have to grow, and I need to put myself in a position to grow. It doesn't take thought, I'm sure. But I'm wired like that when it comes to interaction...most of the time anyway. I see how its possible for someone who thinks so much to have so many repressed feelings. I've got so many of them they can barely come out right. In fact, they come out all wrong when it counts the most.

I've got one shot (at most) to make this right, and I'm willing to go the lengths to do it. I don't know when the opportunity will come around, but I am fully prepared to do what it takes when it gets here. She knows I'm waiting. As much as it sux to wait...I'll do it and hope against hope for her swift return.

I think she is a symbol of where my progress toward my ultimate life and career goals begin. Everything came together when she arrived. She is integral to everything that matters. She is love. She is justice. She is right. If I can get her to see that, I'm certain my life and career plans will start to fall right into place.

For now, I must grind and keep hope alive. A have a few things in front of me to keep me busy. I was recently promoted, which certainly helps get the law schools funds in order and for the move to NYC. I didn't see it coming at all. Just a couple of weeks ago I was irate because I didn't feel like it was in the cards anytime soon. but here it is. There's my incentive to keep working hard.

I'm also working on getting my original facebook account back in order. I've all but decided to just get rid of it and start over. I feel like it will take too much time to get rid of people I dont associate with. But I guess if I could do it without drawing anyone's attention, then mission accomplished. I'm still brainstorming on it. Maybe I'll have a clue by the end of the weekend.

So here I go, trying to get back into changing the world, by improving something one step at a time, my quality of life. Not for me...but for those that I care for.

Only a TLSer would get upset over the truth. What is it that's so unsettling about it? Is it because you can rely on it? Or because it gives you no excuse to bask in uncertainty? My thought is that it propels you toward your next best move, and some people are simply unprepared for it.


WARNING: Don't set foot on the TLS site until you are wholly prepared to bypass the air of delusion floating around these parts. If you can get around that, you're in good shape to pick up some useful content here and there.

Check out this dialogue:

Person A: "Ahh, so this all makes sense now. They have segregated us URM's into a separate pile (I mean we kinda already knew that anyways). Well considering that this is most likely the end for me especially after seeing this person's softs and my lack of them as well as what most might consider piss poor stats, I bid u all farewell and good luck."

Person B: "what? Are you suggesting that the only people who haven't gotten a decision are minorities? Or that they consider URMs last? I'm pretty sure my decision came in a batch with non-URMs on MM/YY. They could have waited a week or two to put me in the URM batch, if that was the case. I know it's frustrating to be waiting so long and all, but it doesn't look great for anyone waiting at this point, URM or not. No need to have a cow about it. Use this as fuel to get the numbers you want and re-apply if you're super set on a T20 legal education. If you've lasted this long without a ding, consider it as an indication that they really liked you among the masses (especially given the increase in their apps). With better numbers, you'll give them an extra excuse to give you a shot next time around."

Person A: "Perhaps I wasn't clear enough about what i meant. Allow me to reiterate. After seeing that u guys got waitlisted, perhaps we are the reject/admit (highly doubt) URM pile. How does that sound?

I'm not a big Chris Brown fan, especially after the beat down, but I tend to find personal inspiration in the most unexpected of places...and in ways unrelated to whatever it is I'm watching or listening to. If you're at all familiar with this song, you know exactly what it's about. The song is "Crawl". Well I'll tell you that I found new meaning in it for me.

Here are the most important lyrics:

"Why did I change the pace? Hearts were never meant to race. I always felt the need for space, But now I can't reach your face. So where Are you standing now? Are you in the crowd of my faults? Love, can you see my hand? I need one more chance. We can still have it all, if we crawl Till we can walk again. Then we'll run Until we're strong enough to jump Then we'll fly Until there is no end"

As I've been mentioning, I'm sick folks. Very sick. Or at least as I was until I chose to look fear in the face and fight for my life. Literally and figuratively. I won't give too many details about what happened (for the sake of the guys who may be reading this blog), but I'll give you the rundown.

I've said many many times, that these last several months have been extremely stressful for me. I thought I had been managing it ok. Between law school applications, my graduate thesis, a professor I was just short of hating, and work, I was all over the place. Stretched wayyyy too thin. Well after I graduated, I immediately got the flu. Which took about 2 weeks to pass. Then my visitor came and is comfortable not leaving. I didn't think much of it, but then I started getting palpitations. Well, last weekend, the palpitations got too much for me to handle, and I had my first emergency room visit, and I got my heart reset (literally) via electric shock, and I've got the scar on my chest to prove it. Anyway, Ive been managing my heart rate ever since, and it's been okay for the most part, but I still needed to go see the doc for more checkups and some meds, which seem to be helping some. Not out of the fire, because still have to undergo more tests, but I'm hopeful. At the very least, I have severe anemia. That much has been diagnosed. And I can handle it and move right along.

Anyway, this blog is about stress guys. It's not good for you, and it can turn your life and plans upside down. My partner has been extremely helpful during this time, and I'm luckier than most. The truth is, I'm too young to be in this condition, and she's too young to be put in a position where I need her to be around. I owe her a lot. I'm definitely planning something to do just that.

I'm back on my LSAT grind, as of tomorrow. I'm taking it slow and making sure I get it all in the way I'm supposed to.
I'm also gonna start doing some light exercising until I'm back on the upslope. I'm slowly getting there.

I'm itching to get some fresh air and do something different. Just to get away for a while. I'm not going to let my prep and job get in the way of the bright future I've got ahead of me. No law school or LSAT score or raise or promotion is worth my sanity...or my health. Next to my Savior, my health is right up next. I value life so much, that I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about it instead of living it. Or writing about it...I'm living it now. No other choice. When your number is up, it's up. And I don't want to have any regrets.

So, needless to say, I'm crawling back to 100%. I lost sight for a while and took too much space from my true self, but I'm definitely on the upslope. Soon I'll be walking and running again. Count on it!
Some quick updates:
1. Lebron James, you don't owe anyone anything BUT respect. The televised announcement completely missed that. You make those kind of announcements to uplift your true fans, not isolate and embarrass them. You've got so much money and, more importantly, so much talent, but so little training in the human condition. And the people you pay to work for you don't have much of a clue as to how to advise you properly. Moving to another team wasn't the bad decision. Pursuing your dream of a championship wasn't the wrong direction to take. But to be a legend, you have to gain and maintain the respect of your peers and your fans. And that respect must be based on something that transcends what you do on the court. It's how you do it. And it's how you accept your responsibility as a leader, a team player, and a role model. Don't just do it your way. Do it the BEST way. Best Wishes.

2. I was placed on the summer wait list at Cornell Law. I think they want to see a few more LSAT points. I'll oblige :0)

3. I paid a nice lil chunk of student loans. I'm so proud!

4. I miss some friends. And NYC.

5. 100+ degree weather isn't fun to be in. I promise. glad it rained here in DC.

6. I wonder why Lohan's lawyer quit.

7. Good to see Allen and Pierce coming back to the Celtics next season!

8. I love my partner <3.

Sorry folks...life is getting in the way as of late. I'm trying to find a way to continue studying while I'm under the weather. I'm pretty sick these days. Had a hospital visit this wknd and an urgent doc appointment on the way. I hope to be back on track in about a week.

Best Wishes!